DON'T BUY THE LIE, AMERICA!

Okay, now I've freakin' HAD it. After hearing another moronic camera-whore expound his idiotic "thoughts" on Terry Schiavos husband, (for the millionth time) the rubber-band that holds in my venomous sarcastic streak, snapped in half like a lawnchair at Rush Limbaughs house.

When did the television news media just throw up their hands and say "Fuck it, don't even worry about reporting 'news', just get us some ratings!"

I'm reasonably sure that the founding fathers of this country crafted the First Amendment to protect FREE SPEECH, not to protect some fucking idiot from using mass media to SPECULATE "that Terry Schiavos husband wants her remains cremated quickly to prevent an autopsy that would show he strangled her 15 yrs. ago."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I can easily understand how some jerkoff could have a wildly speculative "conspiracy theory". I can also understand (given the highly emotionally charged atmosphere surrounding her case) that there would be quite alot of news coverage about the case. What I cannot possibly understand is the way the networks are 'covering' this case. Doesn't it bother you when you feel like you're being spoon-fed information 'bytes' designed specifically just to hold your attention? Does this type of "news" reporting offend anyone else, or is it just me? It's getting to where I can't even stand to read a newspaper, much less watch the "news" on the boob tube. Seriously listen to the tone and content of these so-called 'newspeople' and you'll begin to feel like you're watching a penny arcade puppet show.

It's called "sensationalistic journalism" folks, and it's brought to you by all those "marketing majors" you went to college with. You remember them don'tcha? A little too smart not to go to college, but too damn lazy to get a degree in something they actually had to work for. They're the ones that are partially to blame for our sad, sad, state of affairs nowadays.

You see, almost everything we do nowadays, is tracked and recorded by a 'marketing survey' of some kind. Every google search term, every story clicked on any online news source or website, even blog entries are subject to "marketing searches". It's all being kept track of people.
I'll give you a prime example. How does a no-talent like Ashlee "dimwit" S!mpson even begin to have a career, when musicians and singers w/ TEN times her talent barely earn enough to survive playing in bars and clubs?

SURVEEEEEEY SAYS?! *DING* FORCED MARKETING!

This daffy little bitch has her own television show! Granted, it's only on EMP-TY-V, which isn't exactly CNN, but It scares the shit outta me when I envision how many kids in this country are being 'brainwashed' by that pathetic no-talent skank. Of course she's not the first 'pre-manufactured pop-slut-du-jour', nor will she be the last. But I'll be damned if my kids won't know that Jessica Simpson is a joke compared to Aretha Franklin, or why Bob Dylan and John Hiatt are two of the most covered songwriters ever. (Reason: neither is known for being a 'singer', but man can they WRITE a song that blazes right through your "outer bullshit", to get right into the center of your being). But, nowadays very few record labels (record? whaddat?) would dare to take a chance on somebody based on talent alone. The Marketing Dept. says they gotta have a certain "look" too.

So, lets just list a few of the bands/musicians that changed rock music as we know it, but couldn't get signed in this day and age because they "didn't test well in the marketing survey assigned to their demographic"

1) The Beatles: "two frontmen are terrific, lead guitarist okay, but drummer might as well be replaced with drunken muppet"

2) The Mamas and the Papas: "great harmonies but catering bill would be astronomical unless label purchased stock in pork futures and tie-dyed t-shirts"

3) Bob Dylan: "hire immediately for songwriting ability, destroy every vocal microphone in studio or else"

4) Pink Floyd: "shows potential but actually tested BELOW negative w/ anyone who has ever heard of hip-hop"

5) Janis Joplin: "GREAT voice, face hit by train, recommended only for commercial jingles and voice-overs for liquor ads"

6) Jimi Hendrix: "tests high w/ white males, over the TOP w/ white females, but curiosly very low amongst black people surveyed, only exception being black males who listed their current profession as "drug dealers"

See what I'm gettin' at? The blind pursuit of the almighty dollar has fucking RUINED music. Ruined any chance of un-biased news coverage, and turned television into one huge game of copy-cat copy-cat (think "mtv's real world", which begat "survivor" which begat clone after clone of "reality" schlock)

So, as you all can tell, I am sick and fucking tired of having all this pre-manufactured, pre-processed, cookie-cutter, snappy sound-byte, tailor-made for a specific 'demographic' shit being shoveled in my direction.

We're being spoon-fed HORSESHIT people, and it's time to start spitting it back in somebodys face!!

I'm whiskytangofoxtrot, and I approved this message.

Things NOT to say to an 8th month pregnant female

In my strenuously unchauvanistical pro-feministical ("You're a feminist? That's SO cute!") search for equality amongst the sexes, you can find a rather scathing (If I do say so myself, she's losing her sunny dispostition) retort here.


These are all rated on the "you bastard, YOU did this to me" scale:
1) Security threat level "yellow"
Eyeroll: you know that look guys, the look that says "just shut the fuck up, you dumb-ass hairy-backed, knuckle-draggin, cave-painting, troglodyte son-of-a-bitch"

2) Security threat level "Orange"
Lazer eyes: the look that screams "if looks could kill, you'd be a big steamin' pile of goo right now, you prick"

3) Security threat level "RED"
Total silence and calm stare: This is the one that scares me the worst....it tells me that she is not only seriously contemplating my demise, but is just trying to figure out how she's gonna dispose of my remains. Fortunately so far, this look has only resulted in lumps on my noggin, but the closer she gets to having this baby, the more she's losing her sunny disposition.

So w/o futher ado, here's the list of things NOT to say to a preggy female a few weeks away from giving birth...........(i've got the lumps to prove it)

1) "Take all the time you need to get into the car honey, I'm reading the new swimsuit issue."
*orange*
2) "Wow honey, I never noticed how 'squishy' your butt feels."
*orange*
3) "Sheesh baby, you sure are fucking MOODY today."
*RED RED RED*
4) "Hey, why don'cha waddle on off into the kitchen and make some dinner?"
*orange*
5) "On your way home, can you stop and pick me up some more Jim Beam and some smokes?"
*yellow*
6) "Hey, the new neighbors just moved in and boy is the wife a real looker!"
*yellow*
7) "But honey, walking like a penguin makes you look adorable"
*orange*
8) "Jeez honey, those shorts sure make your ass look fat"
*orange/red*

and lastly,
9) "Don't you think you've had enough chocolate for today honey?"
*red Red RED!!!"

(that's the one that earned me my scars, lol...like I said, she's lost her sunny disposition)

A Time to Kill

I'm tired. Fed the fuck up to the eyeballs tired. Take a look at the picture of Jessica Lunsford below and then tell me why I shouldn't wanna disassemble the miserable scrap of filth who abducted her, sexually assaulted her tiny body, and then killed her, burying her lifeless little body in the dirt.

I believe in Almighty God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I know that "revenge is mine sayeth the Lord". But when I think of what that miserable piece of shit did to that innocent little girl, the devil in me makes my blood boil.

I actually hope he lives long enough to be given the death penalty, but I doubt that his days of surviving in prison are gonna be very many. See, the one thing that felons WILL NOT abide....is child molesters. Every man in the prison system has a child of their own. Or a neice or a nephew. And while they may take an animalistic view of perpetrating crimes on others, children are pretty much off limits. So there IS some honor among thieves, after all.

Hopefully, this human piece of trash will be taken out of solitary and put in general pop.

Thrown to the fucking wolves.

I hope the human shitstain is terrified at the thought.

And boy oh boy, does God have a surprise in store for him, too.

"We'll miss you, Angel" 

No sex for YOU!

One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

It's Funny Caption Friday!

Okie dokey, it's "who's got the best giggler" day here at muppet labs....so let'r rip ya'll.

Since there seems to be a few more women than men out there in the blogosphere (in my single days, I would have been thrilled to have such a "target friendly environment", filled w/ funny, intelligent women. Sheeesh, where the hell were all of you when I needed ya? lol) here's one for you ladies to play "funny caption friday", keep it somewhat clean, and we'll determine the winner by "mob rules".

Ummm...I SHOULD have something terribly clever and witty for this pic, but I hate to admit I got nothin', lol. So today's game is "funniest caption contest", winners to be determined by mob rules, lol. 

Steve McQueen, NOW WHO'S HE?! 

The Pimpalicious, Pimptacular, Pimpin'perpetrator, of Pimperfectional Pimptitude! My 'hot,spankable,milf-bot' and 'da kid' with the biggest f'ing snake i've ever seen up close. She loves them critters, I would rather kill it than look twice, lol. 

Just in case anyone wondered what the sexy piece of "mancandy" who types this craptacular mongrelization of worditude(tm) looks like, lol (btw, any bloggers who haven't downloaded Picasa, you should. It's free and it eff'ing works GREAT!) 

GOT to love this pic, A smile any mother would love, and the hair just FUCKED UP to be damned!!! LOL, ain't kids great? 

I RULE!!

If I ruled the world things would be just a little different:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward to her real number (and her hot sisters, too)

Nodding and looking at your watch would be a perfectly acceptable anwer to "honey, I love you"

Hallmark would make "what was your name again, I was busy checking out your tits" cards

When your girlfriend really needed you for something during a game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner during a time out

Breaking up would be much, much easier
A quick smack on the ass and a, "great hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would be fine

4 words: Milk Chocolate Birth Control

The funniest person in the office would get to be CEO

If she lets you pay for the entire dinner, by law, she'd have to a least give you a handjob

"Sorry I'm late, but I got totally hammered last night" would be a perfectly acceptable excuse for being late to work.

You couldn't open a beer without every hot chick in the room eyeing you like a puppy looking at a pork chop

It'd be considered harmless fun to get 50 of your friends together, put on horned helmets, and plunder and pillage a local town

You could rent a tank as long as you held a valid credit card

Garbage would take itself out

Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps"

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could buy the wife-to-be a 60'' plasma TV

Valentines Day would be moved to Feb.29th so it would only occur in leap years

Two Words: Ally McNaked

On Groundhog Day if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking

St.Patricks day would stay the exactly the same, however, it would be celebrated every month

"Cops" would be broadcast live so you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops, or to the bad guys if you prefer

Regis, Kathie Lee and Oprah would all be chained to a cement mixer, and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the largest pay-per-view event in history

The only shows competing with "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a different camera angle"

MLB games would have cheerleaders and the "seventh inning stretch" would become the "seventh inning wet t-shirt contest"

Everybody gets four Get-out-of-jail-free cards a year

Faucets would run "hot", "cold" and "90 proof"

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style

It would be perfectly legal to steal a car as long as you returned it the next day with a full tank of gas

Telephones would automatically disconnect after 30 seconds

Ashlee Simpson would be clubbed like a baby seal and then put in a tiger cage with "Montecore"

It would be legal to use paintball guns to hunt the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guys"

Instead of flying "first class" or "coach", you could choose to fly "F-16"

Only American-made cars would be allowed on U.S. interstates

using "ebonics" in any form would get you sprayed with a fire hose

"Casual Friday" would be changed to "Topless Friday"

Alex Trebek and Ben Stein would compete against each other on a gameshow called "Loser gets tied to a pole in the middle of a driving range"

Instead of a "verbal reprimand", you'd get spanked by Pamela Anderson

and finally, in order to purchase thong underwear, I would have to give my personal seal of approval......."It's good to be the King"

YOU.MUST.READ.THIS.NOW!

Elliot over at the sparewhiteguy has posted on the recent murders of U.S. District Judge Joan Humphrey Lefkows husband and her mother. Not only do I think everyone should go and read it, but I'm gonna start a grass-roots movement for SpareWhiteGuy for President in '08.

Kobe Schmoe-bee

Stop the eff'ing presses people, it seems Kobe Bryant has .......*gasp!*

SETTLED OUT OF COURT!

"Say it ain't SO, Kobe?!"

Well ain't it just freakin' wonderful, mothers and fathers of America? Another high-profile athlete/celebrity has circumvented the legal process by dipping into their highly overcompensated wallets and making whatever the "problem du jour" was go away (albeit, in a brand new fully-loaded Mercedes, sporting a chunk of diamond that could straighten the hair on a Hasidic Jew). Great, just the kind of example I want my boys to absorb.

Now, it's too early in the morning for me to get wound up about anything, but this is the kind of shit that makes me friggen' crazy..... so here goes.

First of all, some daffy-ass talking-head sports commentators (read: former athletes who for some reason, no-one has ever told to just shut the fuck up because us intelligent people shouldn't have to be burdened with the "thoughts'' that clunk around in their empty fucking heads) was asked if we should "read anything into the fact that Kobe settled out of court".

These numbnuts replies were along the lines of, "blah blah blah, no, just because he settled, blah blah blah, no proof of guilt, blah blah blah, just avoiding the negative publicity, blah blah blah, still a good guy" etc.....

It was at this point that my head nearly exploded.

Now I'm no detective, but I know when I'm being jerked-off and told it was a blow-job.

people....People.....PEOPLE!!!

Paying somebody off to avoid ''negative publicity" is NOT what an innocent person does!!!

I explained it to my 10yr. old thusly, "Son, our last name was handed to me spotlessly clean by my father, who had received it spotlessly clean from his father, and his father before him. I have lived my life in such a way as to not dirty it or leave a black mark upon it. NOT ON MY WATCH. Just remember that when you are faced with a tough decision son, it'll help you to see your way clear someday."

I also explained to him that:
1) Honest people want all the facts to be heard, LOUDLY and for all to hear, so there is NO residue left clinging to their names. Dishonest people "use" the legal system to squash the truth, misrepresent the facts, and hide behind legal smoke and mirrors to snake their way through the law.
2) If you have to have more than one attorney represent you in a legal matter, you may have already "screwed the pooch" as far as keeping your name clean.
3) Your actions speak louder than your words, let them speak clearly and concisely so as to leave no misunderstandings.
4) Honest men accused of murder don't keep $10,000 in cash, a gun, and a disguise in their glovebox while "going out for a drive" to Mexico.
5) They also don't "promise to keep looking for the real killers" (when evidently the trail leads to golf courses all over South Florida).
6) They don't invite young boys to sleep over so that they can "gift" them millions of dollars in a few years.
7) They don't hire Johnny Cochran, unless of course you're Latrell Sprewell. (which somebody forgot to inform Latrell after the famous choking incident, "first you KILL P.J. Carlissimo, THEN you hire Johnny Cochran").
8) No matter what people "get away with" in this life, someday we will all face a court in which there is no way to hide from the justice we deserve. And ain't no lawyer gonna save your ass there. So live right and nothing or no-one will ever steal your sleep.


My boy seems to "get it", he has already shown that he is a champion of the underdog, a defender of those who are unable to defend themselves, the kind of kid who helps anybody that has a need. Believe me, I'd love to be able to take credit for it, but most of it comes from the very core of his skinny little mutt soul, lol.

I think our name is in good hands.

(It's just gonna take a few years for him to be able to fit into the tights and the cape, little fucker eats like a bird, lol)