Friday, March 04, 2005


If I ruled the world things would be just a little different:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward to her real number (and her hot sisters, too)

Nodding and looking at your watch would be a perfectly acceptable anwer to "honey, I love you"

Hallmark would make "what was your name again, I was busy checking out your tits" cards

When your girlfriend really needed you for something during a game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner during a time out

Breaking up would be much, much easier
A quick smack on the ass and a, "great hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would be fine

4 words: Milk Chocolate Birth Control

The funniest person in the office would get to be CEO

If she lets you pay for the entire dinner, by law, she'd have to a least give you a handjob

"Sorry I'm late, but I got totally hammered last night" would be a perfectly acceptable excuse for being late to work.

You couldn't open a beer without every hot chick in the room eyeing you like a puppy looking at a pork chop

It'd be considered harmless fun to get 50 of your friends together, put on horned helmets, and plunder and pillage a local town

You could rent a tank as long as you held a valid credit card

Garbage would take itself out

Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps"

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could buy the wife-to-be a 60'' plasma TV

Valentines Day would be moved to Feb.29th so it would only occur in leap years

Two Words: Ally McNaked

On Groundhog Day if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking

St.Patricks day would stay the exactly the same, however, it would be celebrated every month

"Cops" would be broadcast live so you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops, or to the bad guys if you prefer

Regis, Kathie Lee and Oprah would all be chained to a cement mixer, and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the largest pay-per-view event in history

The only shows competing with "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a different camera angle"

MLB games would have cheerleaders and the "seventh inning stretch" would become the "seventh inning wet t-shirt contest"

Everybody gets four Get-out-of-jail-free cards a year

Faucets would run "hot", "cold" and "90 proof"

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style

It would be perfectly legal to steal a car as long as you returned it the next day with a full tank of gas

Telephones would automatically disconnect after 30 seconds

Ashlee Simpson would be clubbed like a baby seal and then put in a tiger cage with "Montecore"

It would be legal to use paintball guns to hunt the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guys"

Instead of flying "first class" or "coach", you could choose to fly "F-16"

Only American-made cars would be allowed on U.S. interstates

using "ebonics" in any form would get you sprayed with a fire hose

"Casual Friday" would be changed to "Topless Friday"

Alex Trebek and Ben Stein would compete against each other on a gameshow called "Loser gets tied to a pole in the middle of a driving range"

Instead of a "verbal reprimand", you'd get spanked by Pamela Anderson

and finally, in order to purchase thong underwear, I would have to give my personal seal of approval......."It's good to be the King"