Thursday, March 24, 2005

Things NOT to say to an 8th month pregnant female

In my strenuously unchauvanistical pro-feministical ("You're a feminist? That's SO cute!") search for equality amongst the sexes, you can find a rather scathing (If I do say so myself, she's losing her sunny dispostition) retort here.

These are all rated on the "you bastard, YOU did this to me" scale:
1) Security threat level "yellow"
Eyeroll: you know that look guys, the look that says "just shut the fuck up, you dumb-ass hairy-backed, knuckle-draggin, cave-painting, troglodyte son-of-a-bitch"

2) Security threat level "Orange"
Lazer eyes: the look that screams "if looks could kill, you'd be a big steamin' pile of goo right now, you prick"

3) Security threat level "RED"
Total silence and calm stare: This is the one that scares me the tells me that she is not only seriously contemplating my demise, but is just trying to figure out how she's gonna dispose of my remains. Fortunately so far, this look has only resulted in lumps on my noggin, but the closer she gets to having this baby, the more she's losing her sunny disposition.

So w/o futher ado, here's the list of things NOT to say to a preggy female a few weeks away from giving birth...........(i've got the lumps to prove it)

1) "Take all the time you need to get into the car honey, I'm reading the new swimsuit issue."
2) "Wow honey, I never noticed how 'squishy' your butt feels."
3) "Sheesh baby, you sure are fucking MOODY today."
4) "Hey, why don'cha waddle on off into the kitchen and make some dinner?"
5) "On your way home, can you stop and pick me up some more Jim Beam and some smokes?"
6) "Hey, the new neighbors just moved in and boy is the wife a real looker!"
7) "But honey, walking like a penguin makes you look adorable"
8) "Jeez honey, those shorts sure make your ass look fat"

and lastly,
9) "Don't you think you've had enough chocolate for today honey?"
*red Red RED!!!"

(that's the one that earned me my scars, I said, she's lost her sunny disposition)