Thursday, February 24, 2005

Boy, did this get outta hand.

Sorry it's been so long for an update, a procrastinators work is never done.

I really don't have anything bothering me at the moment so I thought I'd do one of those cool "getting to know me" thingys.

I was born in Ft.Worth Texas and grew up in Orlando, Fl.
Because of that, I didn't see snow until I was 36 and had moved to Amarillo, Tx.
I'm an only child, but I have 5 step-brothers and sisters.
I've buried alot of people in my lifetime. Both parents, my best friend way too young, two brothers who were like brothers to me (in the same accident) a very good friend from a brain embolism, and "Wild Bill" who was like a father to the whole crew of us and one of the sweetest, kindest men that ever took a breath. The worst one of all was my step-fathers mother, Marguerite. It makes this writing get all blurry just thinking about her now. Everybody should have that Grandmother who always has something cooking on the stove, won't let you say ''no thanks gramma, I already ate" no matter what, and giggles like a little kid when you love on her and tickle her. I swear, that woman never let ANYbody come into her home without feeding them something off the stove and a little sumpthin' sumpthin' she'd baked.

When I was younger and was a hotshot rock guitar player, she'd always ask me to play her a song. "Aw gramma, I don't know any country stuff" is what I always said. (back then, I HATED country, what did I know...Alison Krause was probably only 12 then) Of course, everytime granddaddy would hear me playing at mach5 through my amp, he'd always chide me with "got your radio stuck between stations again, didn'tcha''? (God, I miss him too)

But I never did play a song for her. Then.

I had moved around the country quite a bit in the past few years, so it took my step-sister a while to find me. When she was finally able to track me down, I was staying at a musician buddies house in Florida. The only words I remember from that conversation were, "Grandma is dying of cancer and she's asking for you". I got a little more of the particulars but I must have absorbed it through osmosis, because my mind was already racing through memories of Grandma. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was that the ONLY thing she'd ever asked of me, was to play her a song.

Do you know what shame feels like?

Tears were stinging my eyes as I wrote this down.

For Grandma,
I guess this is my only way, to tell you how much i'll miss you.
For all that you've been, and all that you've done, for me.
The wisdom that saved me, the love that you gave me.
Will comfort my soul, knowing that you have only begun.
And another angel joins those, who watch over me.
And I smile, just knowing that you, will always be near.
It won't be so hard to become the man i'm supposed to.
For the angels are guiding the path of my heart with their love.
And all of my words from now on, will carry your spirit.
I'll remember your laugh and your smile, as long as I breathe.
You showed me that the treasures of life, are only worth sharing.
And my greatest gift from now on, will be all of your love.

To this day, I can't write those words, much less sing them without choking up.

But I sang it for her as she lay there, hoping that she knew I was there through the painkillers the hospice nurse had given her. All I can hope is that somewhere, through the haze of pain and drugs, she'd heard HER song. I was sorry beyond words that it had taken so long to give her, what she'd so simply asked for. She deserved better from the likes of me.

(this wasn't what I started out to write, but i'm gonna post it before I lose my nerve and close the window)